I don’t quite know how I could have been so stupid.
I let myself believe that this time it would be different,
that I wouldn’t cave but I guess that deep down I knew I always would.
It’s not that I don’t have strength, because I do. I’ve
never needed anyone’s approval or support, I don’t ask for help or guidance
because I am independent. But when it comes to him, I just crumble to nothing.
Nothing.
Nothingness is what I feel. Empty, used and drained of all
emotion. There’s only so much one person can give and only so much that can be
taken from them before it all gets too much.
I hate this feeling of vulnerability, the constant clouded
judgement and belief that things will change. No one can change a person but
themselves, so who am I kidding? I’m not one to give up when the going gets
tough, so why do I feel like it now? I’ve lost the fight that was once in me,
the burning desire to do well and achieve, to prove I only need myself to rely
on. I feel weak, feeble and I hate myself for it.
A few months ago I didn’t have a care in the world.
Everything was going just how I’d planned it, I was genuinely happy. And now, I
feel like I’ve lost a part of myself through my own choice. I allowed things to
go as far as they did and watched myself burn in flames.
But for the first time in what seems like forever I
feel ok. Not fantastic, or brilliant not even happy. I feel ok, and for now
that will do.
That just about sums up how I feel all of the time <3
ReplyDeletejust ok.
I suppose it's better to be ok than to be just numb.
better to feel something rather than nothing...
Deleteit is, even if that something you feel isn't the thing you want to feel most of all.
Delete